‘Sometimes the World wants to eat you. Don’t you know?’ Sabri looks at me playfully as he whispers these words into my face and the tip of his nose touches the tip of mine. We are sitting on the bed. I am mildly annoyed by him. How does someone wake up in a good mood, so full of energy? I just want to curl up and growl like a wolf. But by now I know my grouchiness is only because I have not had breakfast yet. So I gather myself and say ‘But what about if I want to eat the World?’ and laugh in his face.
Our morning starts off happily, we jump up and get some toast, eggs and tomatoes. The day is bright, the sun is up, nothing can stop us. I am preparing to go to work; my hair is a mess, but I can’t be bothered. After all, it is not my looks what I am paid for. In any case, it is too late now to do anything about it and Sabri always tells me I look good enough for an office and for a corporate management job. I envy him. His hair and style look impeccable, and he is barely making any efforts. His new clothes are also wrinkle-free, making his preparations faster than ever. As we step out of our 10th floor apartment, he looks like he stepped out of a magazine and I.. well, as if I just woke up, which is closer to the truth. We turn to take the elevator, but someone broke the mirror next to it, so we can only see fractions of our faces and outfits. What a pity! I wanted to take a photo of us today morning because none of my friends believe me that we look like total opposites in the morning. By the time we meet them in the evening, we always both look disheveled and exhausted, as a perfectly matching couple. As we stand here, I snap a picture of our reflection in the fragmented mirror. They put mirrors into elevators as well so that people tolerate better waiting in them, therefore, I am hopeful that we can take a proper photo inside, once it arrives. However, when the doors open, our top floor neighbour, a blonde, skinny woman is standing inside it and looks at me as if I am a disaster, then smiles at Sabri. She hates me and loves him, as all perfectly reasonable women do who are single and see us together. We say hi and enter the elevator, she says hi to Sabri. What a delight! Our morning photo is hopeless now and I am annoyed. Don’t broken mirrors mean bad luck?
As we exit the elevator, our neighbour walks by in a hurry, we say bye and walk our opposite ways to get to work. Sabri needs to take the bus and me the underground. As he is crossing the street, I am running down the stairs and a weird feeling clenches my stomach. I remember Sabri’s face as he laughs and says ‘Sometimes the World wants to eat you’. I definitely feel like it is starting to eat me away at my stomach and with that thought I try to smile and run to catch the next train.
When I get to work and enter the office, my colleagues all look pale. They look at me blank and tell me that they tried calling me. I am annoyed because I arrived on time. What did they need calling me for? Don’t they know after 6 years of me working there and missing several morning meetings and calls, that I have no network coverage underground?
Everyone looks serious and dramatic today. I start losing my patience and Mira, the receptionist, enters the room. She says there is a call for me at reception. Now I am even more annoyed. Normally, they forward calls to my desk so that I can sit and have my things set up while I talk. But Mira looks like she is ready to cry. What is going on? I don’t want to ask her now as my annoyance turns into worry. Only my inner voice is shouting that something is not right.
As I walk towards reception, I hear people whispering behind me and I feel antsy. When I pick up the receiver, I turn pale and my feelings leave my body. It feels like I am leaving my body. Yes, I would like to leave now. Sabri has left and I am alone.
I put down the phone and just try staying in one piece. It feels like different parts of my body want to disintegrate and leave the universe while inside I am hollow. How can something happen so fast? How can someone just be there and then not, within a few minutes?
Sabri had a traffic accident and he left. He was hit by the bus. We do not need to worry about taking photos together anymore. Our last picture is the one taken in the broken mirror with silly faces. I want to smile but I cannot. I cannot even cry. This is not happening. I want to cross to that version of reality where I decided to fix my hair and drink another coffee, or where we decided to stay in bed and call in sick or where we just decided to arrive late for work or take the morning off or work from home… the possibilities are endless. Any version would be good for me. But of course, I am not in any of those realities. I am in this one and I keep on thinking about all the other versions of me and Sabri, who are happy or who could be, if they existed. Someone is talking to me. I cannot hear anything. Mira is saying something and she looks worried. I cannot take care of her emotions right now. She just keeps on talking as my boss enters the building as well. He looks like he wants to talk to me about work and he starts speaking but I cannot hear anything. He is getting upset. It feels like I am in another world, somewhere in a glass bulb and the other people are talking on the other side of the glass. I just decide to turn around and go to the bathroom. Mira looks like she is about to cry, my boss looks like he is about to explode.
And now what is supposed to happen? I start feeling sad and decide to cry but nothing happens. There is a feeling inside of me now, like a light bulb is pressing my throat from the inside out and I wonder if it is going to scatter. Returning to the office, my boss looks panicked, and he says that he will buy some flowers. I answer ‘OK, thank you’ and return to my desk. The entire office is looking at me, it feels like the office is one big organism, which wants to eat me. Maybe Sabri was right, the World wants to eat me. I start laughing hysterically and my colleagues look at me worried as I stop laughing. I need to get out of here because they cannot understand me. The light bulb starts pressing my throat again and now it is pressing it with full power. I need to get out of the building before it breaks. Picking up my bag, rushing towards the door, Mira stops me and she says ‘My mother died recently. I understand you. If you need me, just call me’. I cannot answer, because the light bulb is pressing my throat so much now that I am unable to talk. It hurts. So I give her a nod and get to the elevator, sweating and shaking. As I enter and the door closes, the light bulb shatters and tears run down my face. When I get to the ground floor the managing director is standing in front of it and he is staring at me, trying to talk to me but I walk away like a caveman. At least I feel like one. I cannot talk and I am shaking. What is wrong with me? He comes after me and grabs my arm. When did people decide to think it was OK to touch someone without permission? I start getting angry and I whisper ‘I need to leave’. Mira arrives downstairs and she is discussing with the director, who looks worried. I take the occasion to escape and I just walk down the street and continue on and on. I can hear Mira shouting after me. I see a café. I wipe my face and enter. It is impossible to deal with everyone. When I enter, the barista looks at me startled and I feel like a person who was swimming under water, nearly suffocated and now suddenly on the shore. I ask for a coffee and sit down in a corner, trying to behave as normal as possible. This world is not ready for people who experience loss.
The barista arrives with my coffee and sets it down on my table. There is nobody else in the café. How strange! He is looking at me with a warm shine in his eyes and asks me what happened. I have never met him before but he behaves like he knows me and has a calming presence. I burst out ‘Someone very important to me passed away today morning. I needed to get out of the office and away from everyone. This is the only place I could find.’ and I look at him. He looks almost like Sabri, just a bit older and thinner. He says, ‘It is OK. We are closing for today morning, but you can stay as long as you need. My wife is giving birth and I need to go to the hospital. Just close the door after you leave and bring back they key tomorrow morning at 6.’ I answer ‘Thank you’, and he drops the keys on the table. I sit there at least for 2 hours, then decide to go to the hospital to see Sabri for one last time. He looks peaceful, despite the circumstances. His face that smiled today morning looks hollow, he is a shell. My Sabri is not there anymore, only dust.
They hand me his belongings. There is a note in his wallet with a quote ‘How strange is this balance of people leaving, others arriving, some gain, some lose, but we all have a chance to be here, to be present, to contribute; and finally, to leave.’ A quote from his father, who passed away after a lengthy sickness. Sabri always hoped to pass quickly, insted of suffering, but we never thought it would happen so early. I feel sorry for me for losing him and our future.
As I lay in bed today evening I feel a strange coldness around my heart. Maybe the World ate a piece of it.
I dream of us being on the lake side together, as if we were back to our summer holidays, walking under the sun and laughing. Suddenly, Sabri turns towards me and tells me ‘We will meet again’ and he vanishes.
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